Be Okay
by captainpezberry
Summary: Set during the scene in 5x13 when Santana tells Rachel she quit the play. It's a re-write of the scene using some of the original dialog in the beginning. Pretty much just what I think should have happened. Santana explains the REAL reason she's always been so horrible to Rachel and why she took the understudy spot in the first place. AU obviously. One-shot, probably


Rachel stood at the piano in the middle of her old high school auditorium where she had been a star so many times in the past. This time though she was fretting over the biggest challenge she would ever face: Her role as Fanny Brice. Her booklet of the lines she had to memorize was sprawled out over the top of the piano and she mumbled to herself as she read them over and over again. She took a breath, highlighted something, then repeated it again. She had to get it perfect. Santana was breathing down her neck to take her part.

As if sensing her cue given by that thought in Rachel's mind, Santana slowly walked out from the backstage area where she had been standing, watching Rachel roll over the lines with herself, and drew in a soft breath.

"Well, you certainly are dedicated" She said as softly as she could, not wanting to startle the girl that was deep in concentration.

Surprised, but not startled by the interruption, Rachel capped her highlighter and turned around to greet the source of the voice. Seeing it was Santana, she hardly reacted and just dropped her highlighter into her book "Well, under normal circumstances I would be. But considering the fact that I have to worry about you pushing me off the stage at any moment, I can't slip. Even for a second." She turned around with an unamused shrug of her shoulders, having stepped around the piano and away from where Santana had approached her.

Santana paused for a split second, almost hurt that Rachel had moved away from her so naturally. She drew in a breath, dropped her eyes to the floor, and took a few more steps toward the piano "Well, I don't like that." She flipped a page in Rachel's book of lines, hesitating looking up at the girl as she continued "You have been dreaming about this role since you were in gay-utero," She finally looked up at her with a sincere look in her eyes "and you have worked your tiny butt off to get it and I'm coming and sucking all of the celebration out of it."

Rachel, seeing the sincerity in Santana, let out a sigh and started to move back toward the girl. She rolled her eyes for a second and shrugged just slightly "Why?" She asked the one question she had been dying to since Santana had burst into the audition for her understudy. "Honestly, what have I ever done to you?"

"Nothing" Santana said honestly with a single shrug of one shoulder. "I am just not a particularly nice person."

"Don't say that" Rachel said with a bit of a frown coming to her lips. "You weren't exactly the best person to me in high school but I've seen how kind you can be." She reached out, laying her hand softly against Santana's arm. "So try again" She nearly whispered, trying to smile at Santana "Why?"

A shiver danced through Santana at the feel of Rachel's fingers against her arm. Her eyes dropped away from Rachel's face, unable to look at her again. She stared at her friend's hand against her arm for a heartbeat then shook her head and pulled her arm away. "I've always been terrible, to you especially, and I thought once I left high school things would be different." She turned away from Rachel now and took a few steps toward the back of the stage. She looked up at the dim stage lights that had shone down on her, on the glee club, on her and Rachel together so many times and let out a sigh "But no matter how many things have changed, I just can't get over it."

Rachel, seeing how suddenly distraught Santana had become, frowned deeply now and stepped cautiously toward her friend "Get over what? High school?" She laughed over the words because it seemed so silly to her. Santana had rolled into New York and taken it by storm. It seemed ridiculous that Santana was holding on to the dingy building in which they stood.

"No" Santana shook her head, coughing out a laugh over the word. She turned around slowly, her eyes on the floor again. She stared at Rachel's shoes for a few seconds, though they felt like an eternity to her, before she drew in a deep breath and slowly looked up. Her eyes, out of habit mostly, traced the form of Rachel Berry standing in front of her until she reached her face. Somehow, one of the soft spotlights was positioned perfectly behind her and it made her look like an angel. Not that Rachel needed a spotlight to glow, not to Santana. That is how she always looked to her whenever she entered a room.

Realizing she had been quiet, and probably staring, for far too long she just shrugged and drew in a shaky breath "I can't get over-" Her mouth went dry suddenly and she paused, licking her lips in desperation for some moisture.

Rachel, surprised at how completely shaken and vulnerable Santana had looked when she had turned around furrowed her brows together in concern. She took another step toward her friend, closing the gap slightly but leaving still an arms length between them "What is it, Santana? After all we've been through, you know that you can tell me anything."

Santana saw the kindness and genuine care in Rachel's eyes and her gut twisted. She cleared her throat and drew in a breath to try and stabilize herself. She just then realized she was trembling. She lifted a shaking hand to push some of her hair from her cheek and lifted her eyes to meet Rachel's. She had held so many things in for so many years and though she had felt the lightness of letting so many of those things out, there was one thing still weighing her down. But in this moment, for one reason or another, it finally spilled forth as if she was unable to contain it any longer "My feelings for you."

Rachel blinked once. She let out a laugh that died as soon as it left her lips. Her mouth curled into a frown, then lifted into a bit of a smile, then dropped into a confused purse. She tilted her head to the side, licked her lips, pushed some hair off her eyes, then smiled again "Excuse me?"

Santana felt hot. Her heart was beating so fast that the blood raging through her veins was substantially heating her every nerve. At least that is how it felt. Her palms were suddenly sweaty. She was pretty sure her brow had formed droplets. She stared at Rachel in horror, trying to read her reaction, and when she was unable to she coughed just once and nodded "Okay, I have no idea where that came from. I'm leaving now-" She turned and started to scramble away.

"Wait, don't you dare!" Rachel lunged at her friend and grabbed her arm quickly. She pulled her to a stop then held it tightly. When Santana didn't turn around, she frowned and stared at the back of her head "Your feelings for me?" She repeated softly.

Just hearing the words gave Santana a shiver. She bit at her lip and closed her eyes. She drew in a deep breath and tried to pull herself together. When she finally turned back around to face Rachel, the stone cold emotionless look that Santana had perfected over the years was planted firmly on her features "Yeah. As in I have a feeling of nausea every time I see you."

Rachel, instantly hurt by the words, frowned deeply but managed not to let go of Santana's arm. She shook her head and stared deep into her friend's cold eyes. She didn't react, not yet. She just looked at the girl. She looked right into her soul, it seemed, and tried to figure out what was going on inside her. Then she remembered hearing how she had laid her feelings out to Brittany and how when Brittany had rejected her, she had recoiled and pretended not to care. She bit her lip and her frown turned into a soft, caring look of understanding and she just nodded "It's okay. I get it."

"Good then you'll get why I have to quit the play, move out of the apartment, leave the country and never see you again? You're bad for my health" Santana forced a bitchy smirk but it fell flat.

Rachel finally let go of Santana's arm to fold her own arms across herself. She gave a stern nod to Santana then motioned with her eyes toward one of the exits of the stage "Bye."

Santana, stunned by Rachel's lack of pushing her to really say what was going on, stood there paralyzed. She had been sure Rachel would have pushed. She was sure Rachel would have begged for Santana to explain herself. But instead she was willing to just let her go? No questions asked? Santana perked an eyebrow, giving Rachel an almost challenging look, silently asking her why she wasn't pushing her. Then she put on a fake smile and nodded before heading toward the stairs of the stage "Smell you later, Berry!"

Rachel watched her go. She let her reach the top of the stairs before she spoke up "After everything we've been through, after all that you've taken on and conquered, and all of the unwavering support I have given you through it all, you're really going to walk away and pretend like you didn't just say what you just said?"

Santana froze at the top of the stairs. Her body somehow went simultaneously numb and burned hot like a raging fire all at once. She licked her lips and slowly turned around to look at Rachel. She stared at Rachel, who was staring at her with arms crossed, and after a moment her jaw softened and her eyes dropped to the floor again. She shook her head and gave a defeated shrug "Why does it matter, Rachel? It's not like you could ever or would ever feel the same about me."

Rachel contemplated that for a moment because in all honesty she had never contemplated it before. She chewed at her lip and her brow curled together in concentration. It was only a beat or two but to Santana it felt like a lifetime. Finally, she gave a nod and took a single step closer to Santana "You don't know that."

Shocked, Santana blinked just once and looked up at Rachel with a dumbfounded glaze in her eyes. Her jaw dropped open slightly and she stared in disbelief at the girl across the stage from her.

Rachel let out a soft laugh and took another step toward Santana, shrugging as she did so "You don't know that. Hell, I don't know that. The truth is, I've never thought about that until now."

"Thought about what?" Santana stammered, almost fumbling over the words as they toppled out of her mouth. She was still too in shock to function properly.

"You" Rachel motioned to Santana, still smiling softly "Like that. In that way, I mean." She shrugged again and stopped in the steps she was taking, again leaving just an arms length between them. "I had never given much more thought to it because I was just happy that you and I had finally become friends."

Santana blinked once. She stared at Rachel in complete shock. The fact that Rachel had not only not run for the hills but was standing there in front of her saying she could maybe have a feeling or two for her as well had completely obliterated Santana's ability to do anything but stare. It was a few seconds, probably, but Santana felt frozen in her tracks for ages. When she finally got feeling back to her extremities, her eyes fluttered in quick blinks and she shook her head "What?"

Rachel shrugged, her warm smile still holding on her lips "I always thought you were terrible to me because you truly hated me. To be honest, I thought you still hated me when you moved to New York but realized you had to play nice so you could have a place to live. It honestly wasn't until very recently that I thought your friendship was genuine. So of course I never considered anything more."

"Wait" Finally gaining back control of herself, Santana lifted a hand to stop Rachel from talking. She held it up and stared at the girl again. She tried to read her face and when she was still very confused about everything she dropped her hand and let out a breath "You aren't completely freaked out by this?"

Rachel let out a laugh and shook her head as she took one final step forward and closed the gap between them almost completely. She reached out and took Santana's hand, giving it a soft squeeze "I have two gay dads, a gay best friend, and have never said one awful thing about you and Brittany. Why are you so shocked that you having feelings for me doesn't surprise me?"

"Because I was terrible to you!" Santana said a little louder than she had intended.

Rachel shrugged "It makes sense now. If anything, it's almost forgivable. Almost" She pointed at Santana with a glare then her face softened and she let out a laugh. "The boys always pick on the girls they like in kindergarten. It doesn't make it okay but for some reason it's a part of human nature. Or is it nurture?" She cocked her head to the side a bit as the thought swirled around "Are we taught to be mean to the people we like when we can't tell them we like them or-"

"Berry, oh my god" Santana interrupted and let out an amused huff "Are you really contemplating nature versus nurture right now? In the middle of…" She motioned her hand between the two of them and shrugged "this!"

Rachel bit her lip coyly and shrugged "What is this?"

Santana let out a disgruntled groan and motioned between the two of them with more fervor this time "This! This thing, this moment, this…" She threw her hand up in defeat and shrugged "THIS!"

Rachel bit back a laugh, amused that she could both annoy and fluster Santana Lopez all at once. She shrugged, still playing as if she didn't know what Santana was going on about and shook her head "This? This isn't very specific. This can mean a lot of things. You're going to have to expl-"

She was cut off sharply when Santana's hands grabbed her face and pulled her forward into a kiss. It was a little rough at first, both girls' teeth banging together behind their lips, but once the urgency of the motion passed, it softened. Santana held the kiss there for a moment, letting it fully sink in, turning it tender and slow, before she realized she had actually just kissed Rachel Berry. Her eyes went wide and she pulled back from the kiss, looking down at the other girl in a panic.

Rachel couldn't hide the shocked look on her face. As Santana's hands dropped from her cheeks, she lifted her fingers to her own lips and brushed over the feeling of what had just happened. She looked at Santana in complete surprise for a few beats then blushed and dropped her eyes. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and swept her tongue across it, sweeping in the taste of Santana's lip gloss. Very berry. How appropriate, she thought.

Panic had set in like a cold winter's frost over a sleeping city. Santana was numb again. She stared at Rachel in horror. The girl had barely reacted. Now Santana contemplated jumping off the stage, fleeing the building, burning it down, and running to Mexico forever.

"Listen, I didn't mean-"

Rachel looked up when Santana started to back track and quickly lifted a hand to stop her. She smiled at the girl and gave her head a shake "Don't. Don't you dare lie to me right now. You've just shared one of the most honest moments in your life with me so don't you dare even think about trying to lie about it."

Santana blushed. She nodded, drew in a deep breath, and looked down at her feet. She rocked back on her heels then came forward on her toes. She bit nervously at her lip then finally looked up to Rachel again. She offered her somewhat of a cautious smile and shrugged "I guess the cat's out of the bag now. So all I have to say is…" She shrugged and motioned to Rachel with her hand "So?"

"SO?" Rachel let out an indignant squeak at the single word. "SO? That is all you have to say? That's not even a sentence! That is a single word! A word that is left as a question, even! That isn't even a statement it's a question mark which means you are leaving it all up to me!"

Santana bit back her laughter. She loved getting under Rachel's skin. It was fun to see the other girl flustered when she had been so not too long ago. She just shrugged and offered her a crooked little smirk "Well?"

"SO!?" Rachel huffed "WELL?" She threw her hands in the air and turned around to storm toward the piano. She started tossing her things into a pile so she could take them with her when she stormed out in classic Rachel Berry fashion. "She kisses me and has nothing to say for herself? She just leaves it all up to me as if I'm supposed have some great revelation about it!" She mumbled to herself as she angrily stuffed her things into her bag.

"I can hear you" Santana said, amusement painted on her face.

"Oh NOW you speak?" Rachel whirled around with fire in her eyes. She stormed over to Santana, finger lifted in a firm point "Santana Lopez, how dare you. How dare you treat me like you have then come in here and confess your feelings for me and then KISS me and then pretend like it was all up to me this entire time!"

Santana, a little taken aback about how angry Rachel had gotten, held up her hands in surrender and tried to calm Rachel's ranting "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know what to say. I just kissed my straight best friend after having a thing for her for five years, okay? What am I supposed to say? It…" She let out a sigh and shrugged "It kind of is all up to you now."

"Why does it have to be up to me?" Rachel asked with an exasperated huff.

Santana shook her head and just shrugged "I'm gay, Rachel. I love women. Me kissing women is not a shock. Me liking women is not new. Me having a thing for a woman is what is normal." She let out a soft laugh and motioned to Rachel with a shrug "You've only kissed guys in your entire life. You have to decide whether or not you liked it, not me."

Rachel opened her mouth to argue then stopped. Santana was right. The ball was in her court, so to speak. She had to not only decide if she liked it but then had to decide what to do about it. Should she do anything at all? She was still so furious and so hurt by Santana's actions lately, regardless of the reasoning behind it all. It was an awful reason. She shouldn't have acted like that. She thought Santana had gotten over that when she had come out in high school.

Seeing that Rachel was obviously now milling it all over in her head, Santana gave a nod. She licked at her lips, looked around where they stood, and let out a huff of a laugh. Ironic, really. She looked back to Rachel and shrugged "Well I'm going to leave now that I've completely embarrassed myself here. You…" She motioned to Rachel as she turned toward the steps again "know where I live whenever you figure out whatever it is that's going on inside that thick skull of yours."

"Wait" Rachel said in a panic. When Santana paused and looked back at her curiously, Rachel bit her lip. She took another step toward Santana and just shrugged her shoulders "Look, I don't know, okay? This is a lot to process. Plus, I am furious at you still." She bit her lip and folded her arms across herself again. She glanced down at her feet for a moment before drawing in a breath and looking back up at Santana. She offered her a soft smile and nodded "Give me some time, okay?"

Santana nodded. Quite honestly this turned out much better than she had ever thought. Then again, she never thought she would ever tell Rachel her true feelings so maybe it had turned out a lot worse than she had thought. She shook the thought away and offered Rachel a smile "Sure. But promise me one thing?"

"Sure" Rachel said softly, glad Santana hadn't stormed off in tears when she hadn't immediately gotten an answer from her.

"No matter what, we will still be friends?" Santana bit her lip, almost afraid to ask.

Rachel's face softened and she stepped toward her friend until there was no space between them. She wrapped her arms around her in a sudden, tight hug, and nodded "You'll never have to worry about that."

Santana's heart fluttered just a little when Rachel hugged her. She would never admit it but she loved when Rachel just launched herself at her. She returned the hug tightly then stepped back a moment later. She offered the girl a slightly forced smile and nodded "Thank you."

"You're welcome" Rachel whispered softly, stepping back from her now that the hug had ended.

Santana nodded and turned to leave. She paused just a step down and turned back to her friend "I'm sorry, by the way. For taking the part as your understudy. I never wanted it, to be honest. I just…" She shrugged and let out a defeated sigh "I wanted to be close to you? I wanted to impress you?" She shook her head, waving it off with a hand in front of her face before looking back into Rachel's eyes "Either way, I'm sorry. I texted the director and told him I quit."

Rachel bit her lip and gave a slight nod of her head. "Thank you. I'm sorry about how I reacted to it. I honestly thought you were trying to ruin my life."

Santana let out a soft laugh and nodded "I can't blame you for thinking that given my history." She turned to leave again, taking one more step down.

Before Santana could get to the bottom of the stairs, Rachel stepped forward again "Santana, wait!"

Santana paused and looked back up at her eagerly. She perked an eyebrow, waiting for what Rachel had to say.

The way Santana looked at her made her heart do a flip. She bit her lip and suddenly felt shy. She shrugged and perked an eyebrow curiously "Will you do me one favor?"

Santana gave a nod as if to say Rachel needn't even ask at this point "Anything."

"Will you sing one last song with me in glee club?" Rachel nearly whispered the request. She wasn't sure if it was because she was afraid Santana would say no or if it was because of the way Santana's eyes told her that she could literally get anything she wanted from her in that moment. Either way, she was having a hard time finding her full voice.

Santana let out a soft laugh and nodded "Only if I get to choose the song."

"Deal" Rachel lit up with a smile, giving her hands a happy clap. She wasn't sure what was going to become of them once they got back to New York but she did know that whatever happened, the two of them were going to be okay.


End file.
